Tonight these words have touched me deeply. I don’t know why it’s hit me tonight but I just wanted to share them and how they pertain to my life at the moment. Perhaps this will help another person who is feeling the same way.
“Here I am….all my intentions….all my obsessions. I want to lay them all down in Your hands. Only Your love is vital, though I’m not entitled…still you call me Your friend.”
I have so many intentions and many obsessions. I have stubbornness that makes me want life to go the way I want it to go. I’m not entitled to God’s love, yet He gives it freely and even calls me His friend. How could I deserve this with all that I hold close in my tightly closed fists?
“I’ve had plans shattered and broken…things I have hoped in, fall through my hands. You have plans to redeem and restore me…You’re behind me and before me. Oh, help me believe.”
The plans I had for my life and all the “things” I had kept my hope in, fell right through my hands. Most of them blew up right in my face. I need Him to help me believe that He is redeeming and restoring me daily….that He has such better plans for my life that I could ever fathom. My plans, even though the loss of them were sometimes very tragic, are nothing compared to what He has in store for me. I just need to believe He will follow through.
I need to trust. With all of my heart.
And to be honest, some days that seems like an impossible task. This week in particular was extremely trying. Tears feel freely and at the most inopportune times (like in the check out line, when I needed to actually TALK to the clerk as she tried to decipher my blubbering) or when I sat at a school event with tears streaming down my cheeks. Or five minutes ago when I felt so humbled by the love of Jesus my eyes leaked those salty tears yet again!
“God, You don’t need me..but somehow You want me. Oh, how You love me…somehow that frees me to take my hands off of my life and the way it should go. God, You don’t need me…but somehow You want me. Oh, how You love me…somehow that frees me to open my hands up and give You control.”
“Oh, You want me…somehow You want me. The King of Heaven WANTS me! So, this world has lost its grip on me!”
Imagine….the King of the world and the universe wants us…me, of all people. The blubbering idiot at the store today…and in the gym last night. That just BLOWS my mind. He want me. He wants you. As sinful as I am and as much as I allow the world to have some grip on me…He still wants me. Me. You. Every single person on the face of this earth. I don’t know if I can reiterate it enough! It’s such great truth…and one I needed to be reminded of on this very day. Maybe you did, too.
If anyone reading this is like me, I had my life planned out. Three children (at least)…two years apart…happy and just in love with their parents (and of course they would listen and obey every direction I gave them, right?) A husband who is home every night for the great supper I would make. The family time we would have after supper laughing and playing games. Enjoying life together. You know, the Cleaver family. That is what I honestly wanted and believed God could give me!
Now I can just picture God laughing at my sincere, honest-to-goodness certainty that my plans would all play out on my own timeline. The control I wanted to have (and still long to have) was such a joke. His plans are what matter. His plans for our lives and our futures are already created.
The best thing about all of that turmoil…are the gifts I may have never received had my life gone as I had perfectly planned. I wouldn’t have been refined and molded into who I am today…and who He continues to mold me to be. “Experts” say it’s not good for kids to have everything they want. Well, guess what? It’s not good for us, either.
I love this song I quoted from Tenth Avenue North. It brings such raw truth to my heart and soul. It makes me think of just how much Jesus loves us. Enough to allow us to feel pain so we will turn to Him. I believe His goal is for a closer relationship with each of us. What can we do to allow that to happen? Let’s begin by trusting Him…know the King of Heaven loves each and every one of us! What a beautiful truth to be reminded of.
(Disclaimer: I didn’t take the time to truly proofread all of this…I just wanted it to be quick and out there. So, please excuse my mistakes, my wording-if it’s not correct, and anything else you notice. This is just a raw piece written in a raw moment. Love you all for your grace…)